I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't notice because vodka
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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