Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
