Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
