i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
