i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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