i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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