i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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