I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
