she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
