That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
