I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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