Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
