that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
