don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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