I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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