nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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