My hand turned me down
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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