I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
