Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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