Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
