Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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