i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
