So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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