can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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