We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
