oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
