I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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