what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
