and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
