I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
