JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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