so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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