I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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