I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
