What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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