I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We are all done wearing pants today
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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