I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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