I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
