Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
