You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
she woke up with a sticky ear
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
