So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
