When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dude i'm inner monologue high
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
