haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
