The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think im going to throw up on grandma
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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