I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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