Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
