You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
