watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
