Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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