She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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