I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
