I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
