Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
