Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
3pm strippers are depressing
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
