im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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