either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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